


How to Talk to a Mechanic

by TenTonParasol



Category: Firefly
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/M, Listen. I know Second Person is a pariah but TRUST ME, POV Second Person, This was an experiment in form and I TRIED very hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-06 21:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10345044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenTonParasol/pseuds/TenTonParasol
Summary: Simon reflects on the difficulty of communicating with Kaylee over the course of his relationship, seeking to understand the whys of it and how a future version of him may do better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The form, structure, and style are inspired by Pam Houston's short story "How to Talk to a Hunter" about communication, deception, and the future of a relationship between a woman and a male hunter. Told in second person future tense, the short story evokes the sense that the narrator is writing to her future self and offering advice on how to avoid, or manage, the very situation she is going through and eventually builds the sense that this has happened before and will happen again. 
> 
> I started writing this piece in late 2014 and worked on it on and off until late 2016. Due to the stylistic choices, both in the compositional demands of second person narration and in creating a voice that is not only attempting to evoke Simon but find how Simon would write to himself, this was an immensely draining piece, leading to its eventual abandonment.
> 
> I've always been unsure of how the piece would end. Part of my struggle was attempting to find what exactly the narrative arc was and how much time to cover. A long time ago, in an attempt to find this endpoint, I wrote a few paragraphs of an ending. While they didn't feel right, I kept them, separating them from the rest of the work with a break.
> 
> All incomplete sentences and hanging punctuation marks are as I last left them, and extra spaces before commas and periods indicate an intention to write another phrase into the end of that sentence.

Her bright voice will startle you from your daydream, and you will blink uncomprehendingly at her. Luckily, her enthusiasm for conversation with you will be unflagging and she will repeat herself: “I said, is there something wrong? You were looking in my direction a little funny.” You won’t know how to tell her she is radiant standing there under the skylight in the sunshine of a Rim-world star. Instead, you’ll fumble hastily found words about how she looks as she always does. It’s the truth; to you, she is always radiant. However, it will produce an effect you did not intend. She will fall silent. Then, she will announce there is a suddenly remembered chore waiting for her in the engine room. You will be confused but only for a moment. As she hurries away, you will notice someone carefully tied her hair half up in a familiar satin bow and left the rest to fall in tastefully arranged waves. Next time you see her, she will have brushed it all out and pulled her hair into a messy bun. You will know what that means, but you will still cautiously greet her. She will not speak to you.

You will spend what feels like half of your free time aboard this ship talking to her, and you will spend what feels like the other half saying the wrong thing to her. Before, you never thought two bilinguals, both speaking the same two languages, could have so much trouble understanding one another.

The first mate will ask: “Why the long face, doctor?” She will try to hide a lopsided grin when the pilot finishes her question: “Girl troubles?” Scowl at them and hate how difficult it is to keep things private aboard this ship.

Hate how easy it must be for them; they’re married, passed already through the uncertain waters of courtship. Always keep this in mind, however: they have faced the same hurdles, they still face the same hurdles, so you will do well to heed any advice when they give it. When, not if—though some days it feels otherwise.

She will find ways to snidely mention the women you “had” on Osiris. Do not fight her, no matter how unfair or wrong she is. Try to understand her insecurities; they are not unlike your own.

What you learned in your second relationship was this: 

What you learned in your third relationship was this: never force yourself to love because you fear being alone.

The shepherd will pretend he wasn’t in the room just now. He always will. At least, he’ll never offer you his advice on the matter. You won’t find much comfort in that.

Your sister will say something cryptic about your stupidity. Not cryptic as in coded in her usual riddles and metaphors. Cryptic as in worded so only you will know what she’s talking about. Stop pretending you don’t. Learn to agree. She’ll be right, like she tends to be; you’ll always understand this.

Her close friend will say to her, “Have patience. Listen.” Your close friend will say to you, “Listen. Have patience.” After all, her close friend and your close friend will be the same woman. She will never take sides, only offer a comforting hand and patient words to both of you, most especially to the injured party. Unfortunately, this time the mechanic will be the injured party. She will be more often that not. For a doctor, you will cause a lot of injury. Unintentionally, but you won’t find much comfort in that. You won’t find comfort in much these days.

Maybe one day, she will stand at the wide open doors of the cargo bay, . She will study your face for a long time. Whatever you do, don’t falter; she is only just learning to read you. Maybe you will take her hand, your fingers . 

* * *

Both of you will be bilingual, and yet the pair of you will only start to speak the same language in the dark. Not sex, not necessarily. You will tell her about regrets in a black concrete room, but you will feel that you should tell her about . As you confess your missteps, you will come to realize the two are the same. You will wonder if she understood. You will decide it doesn’t matter in the end; it will certainly seem in that moment like the end. But it won’t be. She, and you, will live.

What you learned in your fourth relationship, your relationship with her, was this: you are allowed to live.

She will tuck herself under your arm and bury her face in your neck, and you will find your fingers tracing patterns across her skin. You will both lay in the dark, doing nothing but breathing quietly with one another, and you will understand one another. You will find comfort in that.


End file.
